The following events took place between 7 and 11pm
“They’re coming” a kind voice said, “get your things and get out of here.” I panicked. My heart rate sky rocketed and I couldn’t breathe.
“What’s wrong?” Alex asked
“I’m having a panic attack” I forced out between gasping for air. I tumbled off the sofa and attempted to find a cigarette, my hands still shaking. I fell outside and stumbled to the bench, desperately still trying to get my bearings. “They have eyes everywhere, there’s cameras, you’re not safe talking” the nice voice said again.
Other voices started shouting “this is your fault. Why couldn’t you have died when you were meant to? They’re going to take alex and Bonnie away. They can see you, see your every move.”
Alex desperately tried asking what was wrong and I shushed him, terrified they might know that I know or discover my plan. I told him quietly to get some paper, that I would write it down – he did and I scribbled it down. Then once he’d glanced at it I tried to light it on fire but he stopped me, so I tore it up into tiny pieces. I ran inside, turned the lights off thinking that the cameras couldn’t see me in the dark. I grabbed Bonnies lead and put it on her. Alex took her away from me and put her back to bed. I ran upstairs, turning the lights off as I went, my bed room had black out curtains so there was no way people could see through the windows and without lights I would be safe from the cameras as long as I was quiet. Alex kept asking questions and I kept shushing him, he was being so loud and giving it all away. I told him really quietly that we had to leave, and then I could tell him why. He didn’t listen. I knew I had to distract him so I could leave. I had to save myself. I went to hit him and he grabbed my wrists and pinned me down. It hurt. Then his face changed. It distorted into something monstrous, with a gaping hole for a mouth. He kept shouting and I kept struggling. I cried out. He was one of them. I couldn’t believe he always had been, but when did they get him? I begged him to call the police and he said no because they wouldn’t believe me. A likely story. He just didn’t want me to call them because he knew I was going to die and he wanted me to die. Alex kept begging me to talk to him. So I told him what I knew. And he told me their cameras would have night vision, so my efforts had been useless. He told me that if they knew where i was they would see me leaving and get me anyway. He was right. How could I have been so naive. There was no way out. I had to die. There must be a way. What about the police? Surely they’re meant to help if people are going to kill you? But I know phones are bugged. Alex said he would ring Tod to help. I trusted Tod so maybe it would work.. but what if it wasn’t Tod. Alex asked me to take my medication. I didn’t need medication, I’m not ill that’s just what they say. They try to keep me sedated so I don’t learn the truth. Plus once you call someone mental you can ignore everything they say! I didn’t need those meds. Alex called Tod but he wasn’t there. He tried explaining the situation but it was all wrong. I told them on speaker so alex could hear too. When I told her about the lady she laughed. Why did she laugh?! I knew then that she couldn’t be trusted. She had laughed at me. Why did she laugh? Who was she with? Then she gave me good advice. She told me if I wanted to be ready for when they came I would need sleep. She said taking my meds would give me sleep. She said if I acted confident in my house with the cameras then they might leave me alone. I wasn’t sure, I didn’t want to anger them more but it sort of made sense. Not being scared or running or hurting myself like they wanted. And I would need sleep if there was a fight or battle. I decided to take the meds and sleep.
About an hour later I still worried about why she laughed, and I was nervous about the house, but it seemed a little less real. Alex’s face was back to normal. I was tired. Bonnie was safe with me in my bed. I woke up this morning a little scared and a lot confused. Confused about what was and what wasn’t real. Confused as to why someone laughed at me. Angry too. But mainly tired. What I experienced is called a break from reality. Not a lot of people talk about it when it comes to mental health awareness, it’s usually depression and anxiety – the easier ones to understand. But I would say, from personal experience, that stigma is even worse when it comes to the more “serious” mental health issues. I don’t know, it’s terrible everywhere but I got laughed at by a mental health professional whilst in the depths of psychosis.
I wrote this as a brain dump – theres been a lot in my head. Don’t worry, I am safe and okay now.